When iron is identified as wood, it is only reasonable to treat the iron as wood
I’m not married, I don’t intend to until I turn 30. It’s not about the hurts that changed me, and the shames that slowed my pace, it is just… well, I think I should be ready then, but my eggs. Anyway, God knows I’m as healthy as he wants me to be.
This is the part where I tell you about my man – Ntelabi is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We’re compatible and that should sum up all the qualities I would’ve listed to lengthen this talk. He proposed exactly a year today, but I turn 30 in 2. “At your own pace”, he softly whispered to me, so we have an understanding. Talk of understanding, we made a pact of celibacy when he proposed. He said God will be happier with us if we didn’t fornicate. I was happy to hear him say that knowing how difficult it is for men to keep it together as compared to us, you know?
And now, Kessie.
Kessie and I have been friends for 9years and counting. We had a rough cyclic phase of ‘I fell for him, but he had eyes for another… he fell for me but I had eyes for another’ until we got adventurous with each other… uhm yeup! Kessie and I together are like… how do I explain this? Our weaknesses of each other is stronger together. It’s an utterly bouncing atmosphere of ecstatic energy we cannot shake off. I say ‘we cannot’ because we’ve actually given it a shot, severally, but whether it failed or we failed, we are still in it nonetheless. He’s toxic for me, I know, but… you wouldn’t understand.
Back to Ntelabi. A few weeks ago, I realized my Gmail account had been hacked. Working with IT guys, I contacted an expert to look into it for me, and he traced an IP account to Ntelabi’s house. He lives alone, in his own house. I doubted it, but I was scared. Why? Why not? All my flirtatious conversations and wild messages with Kessie was on that platform. We chose that platform because I hardly chat with anyone there, and I wouldn’t want to send an intended photo to the wrong recipient on WhatsApp. A few days of depressing thoughts, and I understood why Ntelabi kept on coercing me into reconsidering marriage in 2yrs. He said he had everything in place, and all I needed to say was “I am ready”.
I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to break it off with Kessie. I’m a one man kind of girl and I wouldn’t want to be adulterous. Don’t judge me yet. I know my activities with Kessie is wrong and can be considered cheating, but truth is, when Ntelabi came into the picture, Kessie and I had a tough time battling with guilt, white lies and disloyalty, so although we still do it, it’s not as frequent as before. We’ve tried to break it off countless times but it’s like we’ve cast a spell on each other. You must think I’m being stupid but this is hard for me.
Don’t we all have that one weakness that drags us and makes us fall over and over and over? I’ve exposed mine, and it’s nothing I’m proud of, at all. Because in all conscience, I try!!
What beats me is why Ntelabi will hack into my private account. Why is he coercing me to get married earlier than arranged? What if he wants to use it against me when I legally become his? I hate feeling this way – weak, vulnerable, out of control… I have to end this.
After I’m done talking with you, I’ll meet up with Kessie in public to end things. I don’t want to, but I have to. As for Ntelabi, the love I have for him started running on a down scale of devaluation the day I confirmed he hacked into my account. Get this; I do not blame him. I gave him petty reasons to suspect me. He’s probably hurting, but the thought of him speeding things up probably because of what he saw and heard, is alarming. I don’t think I can deal with it.
For now, I need to sort things out with myself before involving someone else’s son… sons.
Let me just call him… “Oh hi Kessie, can we meet at the Marina Mall? I’ll be leaving the office in 19min… yeah I’m with a client at Adwiringano so… yeah… yeah… sure, why not? See you then. Hang up eh… ah! Bye”
Argh! Where is my manners? Forgive me. Fauzia is my name, and I’m Hausa.
Next Wednesday on #YourDecisionLostTheRing E02
The issue of mother’s prejudiced worldview keeps bringing me back to Square 1, and at that point, I begin to wonder if it was necessary I run the cycle again and again. It’s exhausting.