“I’m Fine… Only Depressed”


The absence of Depression is not happiness, the absence of depression is vitality; not enough to get you out of bed, yet overly much to keep you away from your bed.

It is that loud silence whispering “you have the choice to be happy”, “monsters sleep inside your head”, “it’s not a sign of weakness, rather you’ve been strong too long”, “I missed the person I used to be”, “…I’m fine”.

It’s not written on one’s forehead neither do friends ask, “hey, are you depressed?” Even when they get to know, expect the default statement “but you don’t look depressed”. We update our podcast routinely, read inspiring memes on Facebook and Instagram so in no way are we ignorant about the condition… that is what it is, a condition.

Someway somehow, I made it to treatment and therapy but wondered if the medication was wiping out a part of me that wasn’t there, needn’t be there, or awakening that part of me I never knew. Was I ready to know me – what else is there to know? Was I ready to let me go – will I be losing a part of myself? But the leap of faith was all it took to get committed to this new development. There was progress, then relapse followed like a shadow cast roundabout the spotlight.

Then again when the spotlight energy drains and the shadow becomes bigger, that is when I begin to reckon how painful it is to be alive: seeing the light dim steadily yet the only reason to stay alive is the thought of knowing how bad my undying absence will hurt my family, friends, neighbors who are right about me watching my next move on this stage.